December 15th, 2004

fat pony like thunder

(no subject)

I just got sent a book with possibly the most obnoxious press release ever. The book is about a woman living with a "trendy" leftie writer who meets a charming toff, and the blurb blasphemously describes it as a "fantastically modern and sexy take on Brief Encounter". The back of the press release is a quiz which presumably female critics like me should take to see if we are "settling for the Next Best Thing." In an attempt to convey exactly how obnoxious and horrible this quiz is, I shall type it out in full here, because mere quotations would not accurately express the horror.

WHO WOULD YOU CHOOSE, WILL OR RUPERT?

A. Hip long-haired travel writer
B. Reluctant banker

A. On a date, always splits the bill; firmly commited to women's rights
B. Picks up the tab

A. Farmer's markets
B. Prefers roast beef and sticky toffee pudding washed down by a bottle of claret

A. Literary parties at the Groucho
B. Favourite Thai take out on large scruffy leather sofa

A. Reads the Guardian, Independent, London Review of Books
B. Has stopped buying newspapers

A. Never afraid to cancel if something better turns up
B. Always honours prior engagements

A. Networks at memorial services
B. Only attends funerals of people he loves

A. Keeps a strict eye on the way you dress
B. Thinks you look best with nothing on

A. Believes marriage exploits men by offering women a meal ticket for life
B. Will cherish you for the rest of your days.

RESULTS
More As: Unlucky, you're so impressed with the style and liberal orthodoxy that you're likely to fall for the controlling charms of egomaniac Will

More Bs: Congratulations on your excellent taste. Kindness, unpretentiousness and decency are the new sex appeal. You can look forward to a life of happiness with Rupert.


So, let me get this right. It's better to go for a banker who doesn't read the papers, doesn't have any truck with fancy organic food and always assumes he's paying the bills than go for a liberal feminist type, because liberals are controlling and humourless and exploit people at funerals. And they will never "cherish [urgh, that word makes my bile rise] you for the rest of your days."

And yet here I am, shacked up with a long-haired leftie feminist who reads the Guardian AND the Independent and with whom I split the bill when we go out for dinner! Oh no! And yet strangely enough, he is also kind, unpretentious and decent, and if I were prone to hyperbole (and let's face it, I am) I could say that we enjoy "a life of happiness". Although perhaps if I went for a rich banker who paid for everything we wouldn't have any money worries.... hmmmm, where's that meal ticket?! I'm off to pick up a rich man who'll treat me right and keep me in sticky toffee pudding for the rest of my days!

I should add that this abomination of a press release also tells us that the book is perfect for fans of Wendy Holden. I might have known.
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