January 24th, 2006

auntie mame, glamour

two odes

I should be doing work. But perhaps because Popworld on Sunday made me think of vintage Smash Hits, which made me remember the letters page, which made me remember the regular "Odes to..." the likes of Pepsi and Shirley's puffball skirts and Rick Astley's quiff, I have written two odes myself, dedicated to things that have cheered me over the last 24 hours. Here you go...


A boring Monday evening and the cupboard, it is bare!
Well, not exactly, but containing food I cannot bear
At least, not at this moment. But hang on, what's this I spy?
Sun-dried tomato pesto! Hurrah, huzzah, say I!
For just a spoonful of this gloop can transform any plate
Of boring pasta and just turn it into something great.
Just grate some parmesan on top and then what shall you see?
A feast fit for a queen - at least, a feast quite fit for me.
So I salute you Marks and Sparks - you've given me my dinner
And it has made me happier, though it hasn't made me thinner.


For years I've just accepted
That I'm just too short for jeans
That fit both in the legs and waist.
Such garb seems like a dream.

It's not that I'm a midget
Or even all that short
I'm well within the average range -
Or so I've always thought.

But those of us of 5 foot two
Or even five foot three
Have long known that the jeans that fit
Are not for you or me.

No, jeans are made for giant girls
Who are also very thin
At least, that's what we must infer
From the sizes they come in.

Logic suggests that those whose waists
And hips are rather small
Are more than not likely to be
Not enormously tall.

Likewise, those who are five foot ten
Are not likely to be
As wide around the middle as
Someone who's five foot three.

And yet the jeans in all the shops
Are made for those who fit
The latter definition. And
I don't like it one bit!

Where are the denims for us girls
Who are both short and thin?
(Or indeed for taller ladies
Who don't suck their tummies in?)

In Topshop, that's where! So I found
While in the shop this week
Their petite range has expanded
And it really made me squeak.

For after years of accepting that
Leg 30 should be my prize
Although it's really a bit long
it's the nearest to my size

I've now discovered jeans that fit
In leg as well as waist
Not only that, but they are made
To fit discerning tastes.

Traditionally the "petite" range
Of most shops has been filled
With hideous frumpy office wear
Or evening garb with frills.

But not now, not in Stephen's Green
Where shorter girls like me
Can find skirts that don't reach way down
A long way past our knees.

So thank you, Top Shop, thank you
My custom shall be thine.
For you have made cool straight leg jeans
In leg length: twenty nine.