Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

May. 5th, 2006

Another week, another terrible Dr Who recap! Amd this time I have to share all of my agony with you. Hey, venting is good for you. Especially when the opening line of the recap is:
My friend Karen remarked yesterday on how very large the Doctor is, and how very small Rose is, in terms of time and our understanding of time.

I resisted, last week, during the whole Gnostic rant, pointing out that the maintenance and restoration of the divine is another word for what some people might, in the realm of the personal, call "therapy." You take a wish or a lie and break it open; you accept the ugly things about it, and that lets the light out, which brings you closer to God. The reason I resisted saying this, of course, is that you're bound to go to a bullshit New Age therapy place when I say it, and I would ask that you hear me out. I've never been in therapy -- which should be bloody obvious by now -- but I have had some wishes come true. It's never a good thing.

I have a wish too, and I believe it would be a very good thing if it came true. My wish is that you, Jacob, would stop writing these fucking terrible recaps of programmes I love, and let someone with a sense of humour and the ability to write recaps that don't cause me to wince so much I sprain muscles I didn't know I had write the recaps instead.
That seems a little high-concept even for old RTD. Well, no, that's exactly what I would have done in college -- let the story interrogate itself from the inside to prove how very clever I was -- so it's possible.

Bwahahahahaha! Hate to break it to you, mate, but you're still doing quite a lot to prove how very clever you (allegedly) are.
Well, I'm talking out of my ass again, and I promised not to do that. (...And this time I swear I won't! Heh.)

Oh, if only I could believe you! Also, making jokes about what a pompous arse you are doesn't mean that you're not actually a pompous arse.
ome horrible monsters, then, too. Like a pissy Doctor wouldn't be trouble enough. (It's hard to be hilarious this week; let me have my fun.)

Dude, when are you hilarious in your other Who recaps? Seriously?
Like a boy, he says this.

If you mean "he says this like a boy", than write that. Because that stylistic tic wasn't impressive in a school essay when you were 15, and it's not impressive now.
He very deliberately takes out Rose's key (the key gets more play, have you noticed, in boy/girl episodes -- things going into people's heads, coming out of people's heads, daughters giving life to their own fathers, and always this key)

Or maybe they just have to, I dunno, OPEN A DOOR?
"My eyes, Jackie's attitude...you sound like her when you shout." Rose swallows. This tiny church, you know? This dusty place.

Wow, yeah, I do know. That's so evocative.
So, so intensely he says this. So sad, and scared, and getting it done. He's very strong, the Doctor. I like him.

Oh my God. This is just so, so awful. I almost never encounter writing so bad it actually makes me want to punch the writer in the face, but this does the trick.

Billie Piper does this thing I really like sometimes, where she wants to tell you, but she's holding back, and her eyes are so open and so clear, and there's a little laugh at one side of her mouth, and she's beautiful, and that's the thing she does now.

!!!! It just gets worse!
You can't cut yourself off from that much of yourself -- him or her either -- and expect to have a working connection to the infinite. Right? You can't hate yourself, if maintenance and restoration of the design are your responsibility: as above, so below. And the TARDIS connects everything, and the key connects you to the TARDIS. These people should know better, what? It's about intimacy.

*collapses into a weeping heap*


( 17 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 5th, 2006 11:35 am (UTC)

I've just realised that I've started to look forward to these posts - I think your venting is good for all of us. But seriously, how are they letting him write these things? Sheesh.
May. 5th, 2006 11:44 am (UTC)
Hee! I know, it's a mystery! I can't see how anyone could think this was good writing, or even how they could think it wasn't totally and utterly embarrassing.

Glad you're enjoying my ravings - I think getting it all off my chest is good for my blood pressure...
May. 5th, 2006 11:50 am (UTC)
I briefly considered grumbling about this last night when I read the recap (or, rather, when I got part the way through the recap and stopped because it was so horrible) but then decided not to and just wait for your rant because it's so much funnier than I would've been :)
May. 5th, 2006 02:34 pm (UTC)
What really, really irritates me (apart from the fucking awful prose, which -- he gets paid to write this shit?) is his irritating habit of sometimes, and only sometimes, transcribing Rose's lines phonetically:
"'E's not gonna start World War Three or anyfing..."

I mean, how fucking irritating and condescending is that? What do you reckon his reaction would be if an English person (or an Irish person, or a sane person) started transcribing his accent as they heard it, rather than using standard English to describe what he was saying?

I mean, honest to fucking god.
May. 5th, 2006 02:50 pm (UTC)
But it's quaint, innit?

Oh, I do look forward to these recaps of the recaps. stellanova, could you one day really, really do a recap? Like, a 12-page blow-by-blow of what might be going on in his head when he writes these things? I know I'd pay to see that, and I bet others would too...
May. 5th, 2006 03:05 pm (UTC)
Hee! What an excellent idea....
May. 5th, 2006 07:30 pm (UTC)
May. 5th, 2006 03:13 pm (UTC)
I know. Phonetically transcribing other people's accents is pretty much always offensive.

Also, if any character behaves in a vaguely restrained or uptight way, he says they're being "very British". Urrrgh!
May. 5th, 2006 05:33 pm (UTC)
It bothers me, but not as much as it might, because I think that he might be trying to point out that Billie Piper's sometimes straining a little with changing her accent to Rose's.
May. 5th, 2006 02:57 pm (UTC)
Awesome. It's TWOPwithoutpity! Snarky recaps of a recap! It's...so intimate and gnostic.
May. 5th, 2006 03:04 pm (UTC)
Thank you for reading these so I don't have to. Ow. Ow ow ow.

It's about intimacy again? Sheesh.

Did he really say "as above, so below"? Oh God, make it stop.

Still enjoying your snark about it, though.
May. 5th, 2006 03:10 pm (UTC)
Heh, thanks. And I regret to inform you that he said every single thing I quoted above. I am dreading his take on next week's episode, which was the best of the whole series, and which he will doubtless totally ruin for me forever through his terrible prose.
May. 5th, 2006 06:21 pm (UTC)
Oh Christ on a cracker, he's getting paid for this?!

I mostly avoid TWOP because I find it mostly smug and annoying (although I like the boards), and most of the writers think they are very, very clever, and much, much too smart to watch whatever they're recapping. But this is just awful. It reminds me of the advice column in Salon where people write in, like, "My boyfriend is cheating on me, what should I do?" and Cary Tennis (or whatever his name is) writes back, "Think of a dove, its wings, soaring above. You are that dove. Now is your time" ad infinitum for ten paragraphs instead of "dump his ass," which is the correct response.
May. 5th, 2006 07:28 pm (UTC)
I read that...waste of language, time and money and my head spun.

My kid saw me and she burst into tears.

May. 5th, 2006 09:40 pm (UTC)
I have just finished it, and I think one of the best bits for me was:

"has anybody got a battery?" Stuart offers his father's telephone -- when your father dies, all you have is words</i And a dead mobile phone. This is the worst yet.
May. 15th, 2006 07:38 pm (UTC)
What the fuck is this stuff?! It's not undergraduate insight, it's straight out of self-help, I wuv myself literature. It's worse than Harry fucking Knowles doing his "diary of every stupid thought I had the day I went to see a preview of the Phantom Menace" crap. I can see this Jacob guy now...

"Before going downstairs to watch this week's episode, I wiped my arse, like Leo Bloom, and, in a mist of my own, existential stink, contemplated my own movement through space/time at a constant rate of one second per second, a quantum I had frustrated, like the Doctor, by using my TIVO to record the show. The Tivo as Tardis, the Doctor in me, me in Bloom, Bloom in the Tardis sitting in a mist of his own extistential stink. The Tardis as Portaloo. And suddenly, the Universe made sense again...you know?"

Er, fuck right off mate.
May. 15th, 2006 08:43 pm (UTC)
Oh my God, you should be doing the recaps of the recaps.

Jacob's writing is so utterly terrible that it fills me with firey rage. I can't understand why TWoP, which in the past has published some of the funniest things I've ever read, are not only letting this buffoon do Dr Who but also letting him ramble pompously about Battlestar Galactica as well. There was one week when he also did the recap for Veronica Mars too - it was like he was a mission to destroy all of my favourite programmes for me, one by one! I bet if they show Life on Mars on US TV, he'll end up recapping that too. The horror...
( 17 comments — Leave a comment )


fat pony like thunder
The Monkey Princess

Latest Month

July 2009


Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Cindy S.