Rose: "What exactly is this fing?"
Oh, fuck off.
Yes, we begin this week's festival of pompous moronitude with Annoying Tic Number One, the "phonetically rendered foreign accent". But there's more hilarious "look at those funny foreigners" nonsense to come!
"Mummy," if you didn't know, is British for "Mommy." Weirdly, they call reanimated Egyptian Pharoahs "Mortimers" over there. I don't get it either.
Oh, the unfunniness. And seriously, if there's anyone so stupid that they can't figure out that "Mummy" equals "mommy", they probably can't read.
"For nobody else gave me the thrill/ when I have found I love you still/ it had to be you, wonderful you..." The only place you can get milk is Earth; the only person who can save the Ninth Doctor is Rose; this kid only has one Mummy, and Rose isn't it. It had to be you.
Thanks for just RUINING ONE OF MY FAVOURITE SONGS with your pretentious wanker-ness, arsehole.
Is Rose, like, allergic to fear? Any second now she's going to start that whole "This is just a joke being played on me by my high-school rugby team, isn't it?" spiel.
Christ almighty, if you're writing about it for an international audience, at least make a freaking attempt to understand the country you're supposedly such a fan of, Mr "I watch unfunny middle-aged sitcoms watched by no one under the age of 50 on this side of the Atlantic, therefore I am an Anglophile". The fic writers who post questions on HP Britglish can do it, why can't you? Just because, as wonderlanded pointed out, you think that rugby is so incredibly British that it is the exact cultural equivalent of American football in the US, doesn't mean that this is the case. And, the other reason for my annoyance at this line is (a)"High school"? and (b) the chances of an inner city London school having a rugby team at all are slim.
"It's just, there's this thing I need to find, would've fallen from the sky a couple of days ago..." That's like classic comedy, if somewhat British.
What the...? What does that even mean? Can't something British be classic comedy? Why the "if"?
he says it's a "fair point," and...no. It's a "good point," or a "fair argument," but it's not a "fair point." I realize he's not actually American, but that's no excuse.Oh, so other people should check local idoms on the internet, but not you?
And then the Doctor: "Thanks, miss!" Lots of appearing and disappearing in this episode. It's evocative.
Thanks for telling us! Could it also be...I dunno...about intimacy? Just a hunch.
I don't presume to know anything about U.K. culture, or the Commonwealth. I'm just a stupid American.
Well, as Jesus would say, "it is you who say it".
"Brother?" asks the Doctor. Indeed. I'm quite partial to stories about just one guy, on the ship or the boat or whatever -- just that one guy who's left, and what it takes, and where do you get the strength to be that guy? And with Constantine and Nancy, that's two small heroes nobody knows about except us. Brother indeed.
When he talks about nobility and the heroic nature of the Doctor and that sort of thing, it's exactly as touching, profound and inspiring as 'Hero' by Mariah Carey. And has the same effect on my nerves.
And then...well, I was actually thinking that this week's recap was a bit blah. That while not actually good or interesting or funny, it wasn't quite as actively skin-crawlingly shit as usual. But! He was saving the best until last, for behold this quite impressively dreadful paragraph. Watch out, it's long...
I wanted to mention that last week was about reconnecting with the father -- the real father; the man behind the mask. And there's a way in which this story -- the Doctor as the Orphan of Gallifrey, losing Rose to a better version of himself, identifying his own existential need to survive through heroism in Nancy's activities, the ego in survivor guilt -- dances around motherhood in a much less direct way. But it's not just about finding your mother -- it's also about claiming your power. Being the mother. The mother that would roar and would not let Hitler take her, or her children. About Nancy's need to mother those around her, while this beastly child is begging her for the same. About the way Nancy and the Doctor are more alike than anything -- and maybe Rose and Captain Jack are the same; maybe they're just looking for somebody to tell them what to do, or tell them that they're wrong -- but there's no power in doing so. Again, the characters (doubled this time) are confronted with decisions they can't reasonably be asked to make, sacrifices no one should have to make, and again -- like saving Pete Tyler, pushing out into the street beside him before it's too late -- learning that grace is what enables you to get there. And that the dividends are miraculous. So don't be worried. You can be scared, but don't be worried.
But I am worried! Worried that if I read any more of this bollocks, which reads, as ever, like something out of a crappy college literary magazine, I will become so enraged that I have a heart attack and die. And my last thoughts will not be, as the writer intended, "wow, it's true, grace is what enables me to get to a miraculous state of heroism". It will be, "why did I read that terrible nonsense?"
But wait! There's more!
I think the Doctor dreams of being alone, locked in a cellar or a glass house, with no way out. I think the Doctor dreams in Dalek voices.
Wow, that's beautiful. Or it would be if it didn't sound like a lyric from a '70s prog rock song.
I think that this season (this Doctor) is about being an orphan -- about war taking everything away. Every single thing. And I think that the Doctor is about preserving that last spark of himself, that individuality, beyond extinction. Saving himself by saving the world, just like Peter Tyler.
Oh, he's Peter now, is he? You're so...so gracious, Jacob, giving such retrospective dignity to FICTIONAL CHARACTER. And lest we forget, Pete Tyler's own wife didn't call him Peter.
So I think, by any stretch, he's being a champ here, because all he wants to do is love that child, that orphan, and, by doing so, redeem himself. Which is hard to do when the person you're looking to protect, whether it's in the Blitz or 2012 Utah or the Victorian era, turns out to be the thing you're most afraid of, because you can't run from your mistakes. You'll always get your hand bitten by the dog you abused. And I think that if this week is a basic horror story, then next week is a story of wonder, of grace -- which is what the Doctor most deserves. This is a show about earning that grace, and the show always goes the distance to do that, if nothing else. And I have this feeling that, next week, he'll maybe get to dance.
Do you? Do you really? Can it be true? Just FUCK OFF, and take your first-year-in-college-introduction-to-Fr