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doctor what the fuck?

He's back!
"Go on then, tell me," he grins, hair ruffled and wild. "What do you think?" But what he means is: "Be collected. No more amazement; tell your piteous heart there's no harm done."

But with lines this teeth-clenchingly awful, I don't think I can bear to do the recap of the recap anymore. Jacob's recaps are just too mind-blowingly shit. Especially as he manages to be hugely offensive about this side of the Atlantic twice in the first two pages, first by phonetically transcribing Rose's accent (ooh, her funny English voice means she can't pronounce "th" sounds!) and then by this:

"Up to you. Back to your mum...It's all waiting, fish and chips, sausage and mash, beans on toast -- No, Christmas! Turkey! Although having met your mother, nut loaf would be more appropriate." (Ha! But also, how can you say it's lazy writing to be grossed out by British food, when what the show just said is "It's not a joke, it's just true.")

No, that's not what they said, you America-centric fuckwit, because as far as the writers (and me) are concenred, fish and chips and beans on toast are not gross. They are delicious normal food! And nut loaf is hardly standard British fare, moron. Didn't you discover that on your day trip to London in 1992 or whenever the hell it was you became such an expert on all things English?

Of course, there's all the usual painfully pretentious writing with its tortured metaphors and similes, but frankly there's so much of it that if I commented on all of it (a) my brain would explode and (b) this entry would be even longer than the godawful recap which, I might remind you, is 27 fucking pages long. 27! The mind reels.

By the way, you know what starts in Dr Who's former time slot this Saturday? Do the words "the hooded man" give a clue? Squee!



( 29 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 5th, 2006 07:40 am (UTC)
My head just exploded from those short excerpts of the recap. Argh! What an idiot.

And I can't believe I'm going to miss the new Robin Hood! Oh, no! You must tell me all.
Oct. 5th, 2006 07:44 am (UTC)
Is there any way that you can comment to this moron and his moronic (twice!) recaps?


I'm looking very foward to mr. Hood.
Oct. 5th, 2006 07:50 am (UTC)
My dear friend Paul Cornell is writing a few episodes for Robin Hood, so we'll definitely be watching.
Oct. 5th, 2006 09:03 am (UTC)
Aargh. But then, Anglophobia is pretty much part of the TWOP house style, one reason why I'd never read a recap of a British (or, come to think of it, anything but a US) show there. But I am disappointed to see your nerve/stomach fail you! You are my favourite recapper ever.

D'you know what's waiting on my laptop when I get home from work? Veronica Mars season 3 premiere!
Oct. 5th, 2006 09:27 am (UTC)
It is on my laptop too! It had finished downloading this morning but of course I couldn't watch it then. Ooooh, I can't wait.

And yeah, on TWOP there are so many British jokes relying on stereotypes that we don't even recognise or understand. Let's face it, it's not like Ireland has traditionally needed excuses to give out about England, but perhaps because we actually, I dunno, know something about British culture, we don't create these stupid jokes about teeth and food and tea and whatever the hell is supposedly archetypically British.

What particularly bugs me about Jacob's anglophobia is that it's tied up with a sort of pathetic anglophilia - he fetishises English/British stuff but he doesn't seem to actually understand or really get any of it (witness his even more painful than usual paen of praise to the "Blitz spirit" last year).
Oct. 5th, 2006 10:32 am (UTC)
It does so annoy me when some of the recappers go all anglophobic and think they're being clever about it. Eejits.

I don't have the VMars S3 premiere yet, I'll have to set it off downloading when I get home later.
Oct. 5th, 2006 10:50 am (UTC)
What particularly bugs me about Jacob's anglophobia is that it's tied up with a sort of pathetic anglophilia

Yes, a set of stereotypes about Englishness (which he would probably call Britishness) which have the good, classier-than-us, actually-living-in-the-18th-century English at one end, and the alleged reality, which somehow fails to live up to the promise it holds out, seeing as how it contains working-class people, basically, at the other. All of it being about the refusal to see other countries as anything other than a theme park.
Oct. 5th, 2006 10:38 am (UTC)
Della_femina used to do a good job on Queer as Folk, but then, she'd been living in England for about six years at that point and had a British husband.

I wonder how she is, come to think about it?
Oct. 5th, 2006 10:46 am (UTC)
Yes, haven't heard of her in years! And now you've made me think of what Jacob would have done with QaF, and I am ready to cry.
Oct. 5th, 2006 10:49 am (UTC)
Don't think about it! Real Jacob is bad enough - imaginary Jacob is even worse.
Oct. 5th, 2006 10:54 am (UTC)
Oh, that was easy: she's no longer with Ian and no longer leftwing. And it also looks like she's lost a considerable bit of weight.
Oct. 5th, 2006 11:00 am (UTC)
Ah, I couldn't remember her last name. Not that I ever thought she was particuarly leftwing.
Oct. 5th, 2006 11:05 am (UTC)
Wow, hilarious socialist-shooting jokes. Delightful. And of course socialism automatically equals totalitarian communism as opposed to, say, the NHS.
Oct. 5th, 2006 11:58 am (UTC)
You have more stamina than I if you read that much! I couldn't cope with how slowly it loaded and scrolled. Man.
Oct. 5th, 2006 09:13 am (UTC)
From what I gather, nut loaf isn't something tasty? Is that it?

As a USian, I clearly don't get the joke there, what is nut loaf? Also, Jacob is an ass.
Oct. 5th, 2006 09:30 am (UTC)
Well, nut loaf is something that unfortunate vegetarians tend to be fed by their families at Christmas instead of turkey (I don't even know how this came about, but it's been experienced by a lot of veggies I know), and Jackie (the character in question) is a bit of a nutter, hence the pun. Not a fantastic joke, but still more entertaining than just about anything Jacob has written, ever.

Now of course someone can step in and say that nut loaf is standard grub in parts of London...
Oct. 5th, 2006 09:33 am (UTC)
Ah, so what we call "field mix" in the US probably.
Oct. 5th, 2006 10:41 am (UTC)
The Guardian inexplicably offered a recipe for luxury nutloaf for Thanksgiving last year. Because, you know, SO MANY Guardian readers celebrate Thanksgiving.

I am actually still intending to make it some time, when I've worked how to make the perfect rich, sticky, slightly sweet red sauce to go with it.
Oct. 5th, 2006 10:42 am (UTC)
My piteous heart is still insisting that there is SO MUCH HARM DONE.
Oct. 5th, 2006 10:49 am (UTC)
Oct. 5th, 2006 02:05 pm (UTC)
I'll miss your recaps of the recaps, if you don't do them, but I don't blame you! I remember trying to read the full things in the past, and they're just mind-numbingly awful. You did a genius job with them, but I don't know how you ever managed it....

And yes! Robin Hood!
Oct. 5th, 2006 02:54 pm (UTC)
Now I know why the summer seemed so delightful--no hilariously pretentious Dr. Who recaps by Jacob!

I can't blame you for not wanting to read any more of this dreck, but I will miss your slapdowns of him.
Oct. 5th, 2006 04:24 pm (UTC)
Didn't you discover that on your day trip to London in 1992 or whenever the hell it was you became such an expert on all things English?

It's even more pathetic: Jacob's 'expertise' comes from Wikipedia: look at the trivia notes on "The Christmas Invasion"'s wikipedia page, and you'll find all of Jacob's little 'insights': e.g. that Tennant's Doctor has an "Estuary" accent, the idea that this accent is a direct consequence of the Doctor being influenced by Rose's accent, the Margret Tatcher/General Belgrano thing, etc.
Nov. 15th, 2006 05:18 am (UTC)
Hello! So you wrote this entry over a month ago, but I found it today. Do you know how? By going to Google and typing in "jacob doctor who recaps bad." I just COULD NOT take the recaps anymore and I needed to know that other people shared my hatred and that I wasn't making it a bigger deal than it actually was.

It's getting so bad that I actually blush in, like, sympathetic embarrassment at some of the stuff he writes. It's HORRENDOUS. I feel like saying, "Dude, this is not the place for your freeverse poetry. Take it somewhere else, please." HOW DOES THAT MAN STILL HAVE A JOB??

I really needed a place to vent that, because wow. He sucks beyond the previously known human range of sucking. So thank you. And did I hear something about you recapping his recaps? I need to read those.
Nov. 15th, 2006 05:30 pm (UTC)
Do you know how? By going to Google and typing in "jacob doctor who recaps bad." I just COULD NOT take the recaps anymore and I needed to know that other people shared my hatred and that I wasn't making it a bigger deal than it actually was.

Ha! Don't worry, you are not alone. I think you'll find that there are many of us who can't read Jacob's recaps without writing around in physical pain. And yes, I did recap (sort of) some of his recaps - they're all together here, under the TWOP tag.
Nov. 15th, 2006 05:42 pm (UTC)
"writhing around" even.
Nov. 25th, 2006 01:47 am (UTC)
You don't know me
but I love you because you, too, understand that Jacob is a Very Bad Writer. Like, hurtfully bad. I love how the TWoP site is all "we don't hire anyone" but apparently will allow a terrible writer to do 20+ page recaps. Learn how to self-EDIT, ass!

So thank you for making the effort to try to recap the insanity.
Nov. 26th, 2006 06:24 pm (UTC)
Re: You don't know me
Heh, you're welcome! I'm sorry I can't continue this public service, but seriously, he's now gone beyond mockery. It's just too terrible. Every week I take a peek at the first page and even that sends me into such a frenzy of irritation that I know I can't go on and read the entire thing. It's a shame, because for a while I really did enjoy doing the recaps of the recaps, but now it's just not worth the pain of wading through the (oh Christ) Tennyson references.

But anyway, I'm pleased to discover how many other people hate him! Although yesterday when I googled to see if I could find even more haters, I found loads of people praising his wise insights instead, which was almost as horrifying as the recaps themselves...
Nov. 26th, 2006 03:01 am (UTC)
I also just found your TWoP-related entries, and wanted to commiserate.

When the show had just been added to TWoP's roster, before the first recap was posted, I left a comment saying "I hope he doesn't fawn over the "Dalek" episode the way he did the Serenity movie. I want a merciless, pitiless recap for that one." And Jacob promptly banned me from the forums, because bad-mouthing recappers is apparently against the rules. I sent him a one-line e-mail apologising -- although, in retrospect, I am SO not sorry for anything I said. And he replied to that one-line e-mail with about 1700 words explaining himself and his take on recapping Dr Who.

It's much too long to repost as a comment, but here's a choice exerpt:

If you'd like to see what my approach will be like with Dr. Who, however, I would ask that you check out the recaps for The Apprentice, or the many Mondo Extras under my name on the site (back to 2001), or a couple of more negatively-recapped episodes of BSG ("Black Market" and "Scar," especially) -- I'm not a sci-fi fan, whatever you might think from the Serenity recap. I'm a fan of good television, and good films, that expand themselves beyond the genre label. Dr. Who is neither: it knows what it ought to be, and it sticks to it. I respect that, as a writer, but I can't say I engage with it the way that I did Serenity, or the way I engage with BSG. I try to create a new "voice" with each project I recap, a new way to talk about the television that we share, so that I don't get bored and burn out. I don't know that the voice I'll use for Dr. Who is something anyone has seen from me previously, on the site. I've seen the entire series, and I think it's lovely, but it's not anything I'd normally watch. The same way that there are episodes of Stargate SG-1 and Atlantis and Star Trek that I've seen that I think are great, but wouldn't ever devote myself to the show. (Well, speaking as a non sci-fi fan, I pretty much love at least half of Deep Space Nine, and nearly all of Babylon 5 too, if I'm spilling secrets.)

And he concluded his e-mail by asking me to reregister under a different username. W.T.F.
( 29 comments — Leave a comment )


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